We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
