OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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