So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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