I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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