I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
