did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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