After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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