Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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