All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
