fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
