living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
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Speaking is such a hard concept right now
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
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I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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