nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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