things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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