the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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