i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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