he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
