You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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