We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
