you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
