Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
