I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
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i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
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The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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