Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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