you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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