mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
