It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
