24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
