nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
