a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
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She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
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Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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