Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.