I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
