Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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