I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
there's paper in my vomit.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
