I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
