Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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