i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
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throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
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The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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