The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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