If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
