I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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