I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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