the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
