Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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