all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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