My liver just broke up with me...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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