just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
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Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
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I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
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