Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
