So drunk its hurt
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
