The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
