at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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