I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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