great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
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I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
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I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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