So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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