it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
