I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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