I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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